Existence

                           

                                                                                                         

       Perception about agnosticism, vary with the degree of ease in our personal solace. Inherent culture imbibed with agnosticism always upholds plagiarism which questions the existence. Scrutinizing our belief, sway one’s consciousness on questioning the existence of Almighty. It is unfortunate that the faith in God be contingent on happenings in life.  However, we each time subject the persuasion and fail to realize that it is only our thinking examined and not the positive existence.       

            I was one among those who doubted about GOD. Though my parents extremely believe in so called ‘GOD’ still my faith was not certain towards it until I met a guy named Desai. I was coming from Chennai to Bangalore; he was sitting next to me grossly involved in reading a book. No one else was sitting in the business class. I was interested neither to speak nor to look around, but Desai’s book caught my eye. It was on ‘GOD’.

Whenever some happenings are good to me I used to thank GOD and during bad times pray. Most of us do so. Nevertheless, in everyone’s life, time will come where strength of faith will be tested and we end up either of the way. Our reasoning will encapsulate only in our predetermined awareness due to which boundary of our virtual thinking will unlikely cross none.

I stared at the book’s wrapper for a minute. He realized that and gazing at me smiled. He introduced himself as Desai. We shook our hands and I introduced myself as Sam. As usual we started talking to each other on general topics. I don’t interact much with strangers but this time I had a point to argue on divine existence. Conversation was really boring, but I felt that Desai was really a good man. Somehow after 30 minutes our conversations got meaning.

Mr. Sam, Are you working? 
No recently I got retirement. Indeed Retirement from my life. (He was quick enough to observe my sadness in while stating it.)

You look so young around 30 and still your voice sounds like 70’s, any reason? 

No. I mean…….(I just kept mum. It was almost one month where I tried to act normally with others. My life was going nowhere .I had lost hopes. I stopped praying. I was counting my days and tarring the calendar pages with tears. Why will I explain all those to this stranger?)

You seem to be very depressed almost no hopes? Don’t worry GOD is there (he pointed to the book and said), faith can change any fate! Belief in good will leads to your destiny.

I was furious at his words and lost my temper yelling at him said, “What the hell? There is no GOD or Devil, only thinking makes it so”. I gained consciousness and controlled my temper. I apologized him for my violent behavior and told, “I don’t think GOD is there, if so then he would never allow me to suffer. I never did wrong things; we were one among those who always believed that doing good will give better returns. Ironically, it has given the best. I thought I was tested at each point but now I have failed and lost. Just need to sign off from my life. Waiting for the moment to rejoice (I sounded him like insane) my pain and I wish I could live more, not to live, instead to make others believe that existence is no where!   

He was calm and listening to me carefully. He actually wanted to know the reason for my atheistic belief, but I dint want to market my sorrow especially to a stranger! I could never say that I am counting my days due to Cancer! I had been to Chennai to take second opinion about it. They had confirmed that I was in initial stage. I never revealed this to him. 

Sam, you may have been across tremendous pressure these days. Your faith has shaken the belief and your mind falsely repressing the same. Anyhow it would be nice if you share it to me.

(I was silent)

He continued his talking and asked me what GOD means to me. I dint speak to him, still he dint give up his patience. His tender voice pitched in intensely, we always have that belief that GOD is someone that who gives whatever we want. We pray and he grant, when he don’t grant then we think that there is nothing as such. I would like to tell you a short story regarding this, 

will you listen to me Sam?

I looked into his eyes; it was vibrant and confident of conveying a message. I simply nodded my head. Though any thoughts or story hardly matters for a person who is going to die still I was interested to know what was the message which he would like to put further to ease me.

                                       There was a boy named Surjit who was from a very poor family. His entire family was working on daily basis to earn their bread. They blindly believed the Devine existence, so the Surjit. Their only hope to see the rays is to educate Surjit. Their dream was not different than any others to become rich. For all the happenings they thought that GOD has wish for them. Their belief trenched to an extent that even the day which they dint had anything to eat still they thought that GOD has a reason for it which they are unaware of It.! Surjit had a wish to be well educated than any. He worked very hard, but unfortunately could not complete his degree. He was not one among those to give up as he was firmly believed that he can do it. In fact the strength in belief conjointly goes with other belief. He again tried hard each year and it was almost three times in a row that he failed to graduate. However, he thought that it was testing time!

                                     Everyone in life first try, then try harder still if they cannot then they change the route to move towards destiny. It is true that Surjit failed in his attempts but positive faith will make you to think to move towards his aim just by changing the route. Overall it is just that believing in positive energy simply makes you to believe in yourself positively which is first step towards the journey. It is not that positive existence, which is incarnated, will grant whenever we honestly wish. Surjit’s way to become rich changed from education to business. He realized that studying is not part of him anymore.

On thinking that why he failed irrespective of his honest attempts is that maybe he would be a greatest business magnet in future. That is the way theist believes. His daily savings were unlikely to make his business plan; still he has that confidence masking the awareness of swindle in belief. Finally he ended up in availing loan from other private firms for more interest. Initially his business went well due to which he could risk more to elevate his sale. Reason again was given by him was that belief in GOD. It is he who granted and wished for all the sequence till now. Though clocking is at the same phase, but life isn’t. His partners proved him wrong. Business completely collapsed as he was completely deceived from others. He failed to recover as he had risked with no logic. All he believed that it will happen as GOD is willing to make it. To such an extent the belief was!

When the ultimate wish fails, belief shatters. Similarly Surjit was collapsed morally. His no brainer logic to justify the sequence failed miserably. When our ultimate will or wish never succeeds everyone in life thinks that they failed. There is no further meaning to continue the journey. At that instant we give up. We give up so badly that we even think to kill our own soul not because we intent to but just not to face the failure .Unfortunately, Indeed we take that point wrongly that there is nothing left much further. Surjit thought that his everlasting belief makes no sense as it do not exist at all, no reason to think further to live. Each day he stressed himself thinking that the only belief had, has failed to sail him across. Finally he attempted to suicide. 

          We reached Bangalore. Everyone hurried to check out. Even Desai intentionally stopped the story at that point and quickly moved out of the plane. I followed him as I was eager to know the ending. He checked out from airport and ignored my request to complete it. Just before he sat into the car he smiled at me again and gestured to come inside his car. I refused to get in; I was just worried only about Surjit.

Mr. Sam, I don’t want to complete the story and prove a point about Positive existence .Your mind is so partial that it can never accept any positive ending and also contemplates if it is negative. Even it is not fair to put our thought on others, each one has their own belief but the belief should never change with time. If so then it is the only belief which is subjected to realize, rather we never realize that existence is beyond this. You can realize this only when time comes.

He gave his visiting card and left the place!

I was shocked, unhappy not because he dint complete the story but he dint convey his message entirely. So many questions started to haunt me. Entire week I kept thinking about the story. Desai looks like intelligent, but what was he trying to prove with that story? Since I dint interact with him correctly at the end as I dint share my pain, so he stopped the story intentionally at the end? I again recalled the day and analyzed the story. All my negative thoughts were superimposed on his story and made me to think that it was just a time pass. Any how  no one can save me and there is nothing called GOD, otherwise good people’s story would be always better. I checked my valet and I found his visiting card. I thought I will meet him but for what fun?   

         On visiting card it was printed as Mr. Surjit Desai, Chairman of Desai construction group!! Oh GOD I got the meaning of his words. His message was unbiased .Well he was telling his own story, same guy once upon a time who struggled to earn his daily bread is now a multimillionaire. It was really not important to me that how he achieved that, but he was true to his words that

   “Everyone in life first try, then try harder still if they cannot then they change the route to move towards destiny. It is true that Surjit failed in his attempts but positive faith will make you to think to move towards his aim just by changing the route. Overall it is just that believing in positive energy simply makes you to believe in yourself positively which is first step towards the journey. It is not that positive existence, which is incarnated, will grant whenever we honestly wish”

It is almost 2 years up. Faith in GOD for me is unquestionable. It is true that we need to realize it and hope to realize. I have taken GOD as positive energy and living to fight with my disease. No matter what happens to me, but surely I am aware that existence is beyond the belief. And all the belief resembles only to the level in which we are aware of it.

                                                     -------Veerabhadra S Hegde